The last few weeks I have been in a really cranky mood and I feel sorry for everyone around me. I honestly do. This includes my husband, friends, co-workers, family members, everyone. I don't think anyone is safe from my wrath when I'm in this mood.
I don't really have an excuse, I've just been bitchy, for lack of a better word. I've been a complete bitch in every sense of the word. I hate getting out of bed in the morning, I hate getting a shower, I hate getting dressed, I hate going to work, I hate working. I hate talking to Antoine, I hate eating, I hate having to figure out what's for dinner, doing the dishes, etc. I know everyone hates doing certain things but at this moment I hate my life. I hate my weight, I hate myself for letting myself get to this point. I don't want to do anything about it. I hate that I don't keep in touch with friends that I love and I don't want to do anything about it at this point. I hate that I don't call family members who don't always have the time or means to call me. It would take 20 minutes on my Saturday to call them.
I hate that I can't have children. I hate that I don't want to spend the time to go to the doctor to take care of myself, even though I am getting old and now is really the time to do that. I hate myself for not taking my medicine like I'm supposed to and I hate that I don't care enough to do it.
I hate my new apartment. I hate cleaning it. I don't want to clean it. I have a living room full of unpacked boxes. I hate everything in them. I hate that I don't have the money to do certain things I want and need to do and I hate that I don't have the drive or ambition to do much more about it.
I hate work and everyone there. I hate that no one knows how to do shit and that I am the go-to person for everyfuckingthing. I hate that I am not strong enough to say 'enough.' I hate that I do not have the willpower to drive past a fast food restaurant, no matter how much good food is at home. I hate that I'll let it go to waste just because I'd rather have french fries & soda. I don't care.
That's my attitude right now and I really don't know what to do about it. Today is better. I told my mom I was sorry for being so snappy this weekend and she told me that she thought that I was mad at her. How could I be mad at her? She has done so much for me in the past few months--scratch that--in my entire life. I hate that I went all weekend acting like a cranky bitch and had my mom thinking that. I'm glad I cleared it up but I still feel like shit about it.
6/24/08
Apparently 8 isn't enough.
There's an attorney who works in my office who treats me and his secretary as if we are children. He is like 70 so it sorta makes sense. But, he sends me this email today that was about 5 paragraphs on how to do do something that is a routine office matter. We file briefs ALLLLLLL THE TIME......why do you feel the need to explain to me how to do ridiculous shit????
For instance...he spent 3 sentences explaining to me how to prepare a table of contents...and how to do leader tabs. I'm not even kidding. I'm going to copy it from the email. Be right back.
The Table of Contents needs to be formatted so that there is an item of content on the left side and a page number on the right side. I’ve formatted the location of the items of content, so don’t move the left margins or indents. Typically, a line of dots goes between the item and the page number, but if you cannot do that, I understand.
REALLY GARY? IS THAT WHAT THOSE CRAZY DOTS ARE???? WELL THANK YOU, I DON'T KNOW HOW I EVER GOT ON WITHOUT YOU HERE.
here's some more:
but we will have to change the page numbering. The cover page gets no page number. The Table of Contents all the way to the Statement of the Facts and of the Case is numbered with Arabic lower case numbers (i, ii, iii,…). Page numbers begin at the Statement of the Facts and of the Case and continue to the end of the brief.
i guess the other 50 briefs i've filed in the 8 years i've been a secretary probably wouldn't have been any indication how to format the brief.
We will also need to complete the Table of Citations.
FUNNY. THE LAST 50 BRIEFS I FILED DIDN'T HAVE TABLES OF CITATIONS. THIS IS NUTS!
We will need to SERVE one copy of the brief to opposing counsel, and one copy of the brief to the town attorney. We also need to mail the original and three copies of the brief to the First DCA, and efile the brief as well, in accordance with the local procedures (attached).
well you're so goddamn on top of things, why don't you just bind it and send it out yourself? i'm sure you can handle that...you have everything else in order.
IT JUST BLOWS ME AWAY.....i've been in a legal office for 8 years....i don't need someone to hold my fucking hand to file a brief. why don't you jsut show me where my keyboard is every morning. or better yet, walk me from my car to the front door.
/rant
For instance...he spent 3 sentences explaining to me how to prepare a table of contents...and how to do leader tabs. I'm not even kidding. I'm going to copy it from the email. Be right back.
The Table of Contents needs to be formatted so that there is an item of content on the left side and a page number on the right side. I’ve formatted the location of the items of content, so don’t move the left margins or indents. Typically, a line of dots goes between the item and the page number, but if you cannot do that, I understand.
REALLY GARY? IS THAT WHAT THOSE CRAZY DOTS ARE???? WELL THANK YOU, I DON'T KNOW HOW I EVER GOT ON WITHOUT YOU HERE.
here's some more:
but we will have to change the page numbering. The cover page gets no page number. The Table of Contents all the way to the Statement of the Facts and of the Case is numbered with Arabic lower case numbers (i, ii, iii,…). Page numbers begin at the Statement of the Facts and of the Case and continue to the end of the brief.
i guess the other 50 briefs i've filed in the 8 years i've been a secretary probably wouldn't have been any indication how to format the brief.
We will also need to complete the Table of Citations.
FUNNY. THE LAST 50 BRIEFS I FILED DIDN'T HAVE TABLES OF CITATIONS. THIS IS NUTS!
We will need to SERVE one copy of the brief to opposing counsel, and one copy of the brief to the town attorney. We also need to mail the original and three copies of the brief to the First DCA, and efile the brief as well, in accordance with the local procedures (attached).
well you're so goddamn on top of things, why don't you just bind it and send it out yourself? i'm sure you can handle that...you have everything else in order.
IT JUST BLOWS ME AWAY.....i've been in a legal office for 8 years....i don't need someone to hold my fucking hand to file a brief. why don't you jsut show me where my keyboard is every morning. or better yet, walk me from my car to the front door.
/rant
6/21/08
anticipate
anticipating...
your touch
your lips...anticipating
gentle caress
fingers intertwined
exploring the unknown
anticpating...
your kiss
your excitement
anticpating your ecstasy
your touch
your lips...anticipating
gentle caress
fingers intertwined
exploring the unknown
anticpating...
your kiss
your excitement
anticpating your ecstasy
Fat bitch.
Twice today I was reminded that I'm fat. I don't need reminding, people. I look in the mirror every day.
(I'm not looking for any pity or anyone to tell me that I'm beautiful or tell me not to be upset, blah blah blah--i've owned it. I am what I am. It is what it is)
I was at Footlocker looking at sneakers. I wear a size 11 in women's which is rather hard to find, but not impossible. So I'm talking to the guy @ Footlocker..."we don't carry any women's size 11...you're going to have to look at men's." Me: "well, men's shoes tend to be too big across the toes, I'll just go to another store." "The shoes are mostly unisex...(looks at my feet)...you have fat feet so men's shoes should fit you fine. Let me see if I can find some you like." wtf....who says that???? "you have fat feet"?????? not a way to sell shoes, fuckface. So I spent the next two hours feeling self-conscious about my feet, which by the way ARE NOT FAT. Especially for a size 11...yeah my feet are big...but they aren't fat. I can't wear women's wide shoes....they are too big. I don't have fat feet.
Then I was looking for a parking spot at another corner of the mall. I saw someone backing out, and stopped right behind them. Some asshole behind me pulled really close to me so that I couldn't back up at all. Then turned his signal on. I already had mine on. So I thought about just going on to look for another parking spot but I didn't. The person in the spot pulled out so that I could get in...what a dear. I had room to turn because the car I was in was rather small, just required a sharp turn. Anyhow, as I'm pulling into the spot, asshole behind me yells out the window, "FAT BITCH!" Okay. You got me. You threw the "f" word out there. I'm fat. Thanks for reminding me.
Ever notice how the word "fat" just makes being called a "bitch" ineffective. You could have just yelled, "hey fatty" and left the same effect.
You know, I know I'm "fat", "overweight"--whatever you want to call it. I've owned that. But why do people take every opportunity to point that out to me? Really????
/rant.
P.S. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I'm beautiful, blah blah. Being fat and being beautiful are not mutually exclusive. I'm a bad motherfucker, no one has to tell me that.
(I'm not looking for any pity or anyone to tell me that I'm beautiful or tell me not to be upset, blah blah blah--i've owned it. I am what I am. It is what it is)
I was at Footlocker looking at sneakers. I wear a size 11 in women's which is rather hard to find, but not impossible. So I'm talking to the guy @ Footlocker..."we don't carry any women's size 11...you're going to have to look at men's." Me: "well, men's shoes tend to be too big across the toes, I'll just go to another store." "The shoes are mostly unisex...(looks at my feet)...you have fat feet so men's shoes should fit you fine. Let me see if I can find some you like." wtf....who says that???? "you have fat feet"?????? not a way to sell shoes, fuckface. So I spent the next two hours feeling self-conscious about my feet, which by the way ARE NOT FAT. Especially for a size 11...yeah my feet are big...but they aren't fat. I can't wear women's wide shoes....they are too big. I don't have fat feet.
Then I was looking for a parking spot at another corner of the mall. I saw someone backing out, and stopped right behind them. Some asshole behind me pulled really close to me so that I couldn't back up at all. Then turned his signal on. I already had mine on. So I thought about just going on to look for another parking spot but I didn't. The person in the spot pulled out so that I could get in...what a dear. I had room to turn because the car I was in was rather small, just required a sharp turn. Anyhow, as I'm pulling into the spot, asshole behind me yells out the window, "FAT BITCH!" Okay. You got me. You threw the "f" word out there. I'm fat. Thanks for reminding me.
Ever notice how the word "fat" just makes being called a "bitch" ineffective. You could have just yelled, "hey fatty" and left the same effect.
You know, I know I'm "fat", "overweight"--whatever you want to call it. I've owned that. But why do people take every opportunity to point that out to me? Really????
/rant.
P.S. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I'm beautiful, blah blah. Being fat and being beautiful are not mutually exclusive. I'm a bad motherfucker, no one has to tell me that.
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